Thursday, 13 June 2013

I admit it, I might not be coping all that well

I'm at rock bottom. Or at least I hope it's my rock bottom because if I fall any further I will have to be taken away to a secure facility to prevent harm to myself.
I'm so stressed that even when little things go wrong I can feel the rage rise inside me and I struggle to keep it inside.
I'm so depressed that I just want to hide in bed and I'm constantly on the verge of tears.
I keep eating for comfort, but food isn't satisfying me and just makes me feel sick.
My life is spiralling out of control and I don't know how to cope or bring it back into control.
I've been here before. I know it will pass. I'm just not sure how to survive until it does doing only minimal harm to my reputation, my career and my marriage.

The main trigger for me is control. I need to have a plan, or at least a survival strategy. Currently I am so busy that I can't get to the point where I can even begin to sort things out.

My main problem is what is happening at work. I am being given more and more to do and being excluded from things that I think I should be involved in, but I have been given so much I have to do that there is no point even raising it.
Bluebells in Wanstead Park
Lost in the woods with no clear path ahead

At work it's one of those turning points: some will fail and never be seen again and those that survive will be rewarded.

I am struggling to fight to maintain my position and any chance of advancement seems impossible.

Due to 3 changes in management I have struggled to regain my position after maternity leave. Now there are new challenges and new opportunities but they aren't being offered in a way that seem to offer me a chance of success, just a way to highlight my inevitable failure.

If I ask for help now, or they realise how badly I am coping it will be seen as a sign of weakness. Inability to cope is not what you look for in Department Heads. A female breaking down crying in meetings is not one that gets respect from her (majority male) senior colleagues. It is better to be seen as incapable due to lack of skill (at least I can get there someday) than incapable due to being an emotional wreck. They would always be waiting for the next breakdown.

Even if i can fool people I am coping I look a mess. I have so many spots, creased clothes, split ends, dark roots. Today my daughter is going to nursery in trousers that are too small and a pyjama top.

I need a plan. I need support. Ultimately these can only come from inside me. My husband tries to offer support, but by telling me to give up things. Things that I can't give up. Why should others suffer because I'm a failure?

I feel alone. I feel isolated. I feel like the world is spinning so fast around me that I will never catch up, but if I jump off for a while to try and catch my breath the journey back will be even harder than if I can try and cling on.

I don't know what to do.

It's depressing talking to a depressed person so I've come to the only place that I control. Where people are free to judge and free to ignore, but where I maintain control. The only place I have ANY control right now. My blog. So thanks for reading.

I'll get through it. I hope.

3 comments:

  1. You will get through it. Keep telling yourself this every. Single. Day xxx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. I have had depression on and off for 20 years, fortunately when I am at my worst I know I will get back to normal soon, it just sucks at the time x

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  2. Kate, I too have had depression for 10 years. I have found that the medication I take does help. At the very least please see your GP, or contact MIND.

    Jayne xx

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