Last night was another night that ended with Baby M and I co-sleeping.
I have no problem with co-sleeping: sleeping next to each other has probably meant more than a weeks more sleep in total for both us over the last 7 months. Until 4 months old baby M was in a co-sleeper next to our bed (see old post). This allowed her to reach for me when needed, but both of us had our own space.
We stopped this arrangement because I had too much space: Baby M's Dad was sleeping on the sofa with the cats. Baby M was also struggling to go to sleep in the evening without me going to bed at the same time. So we decided that as a family it was right for her to move into her own room.
Since Baby M moved to the nursery I have had a 'camp' bed set up on the nursery floor. When she wakes and can't be settled easily the 2 of us cuddle up on the floor.
Tonight she woke crying at 4am, I nursed her then placed her in her cot. About 10 minutes later she started crying again so I went to her. It became clear she needed me to stay with her to get more sleep so once more we took to the camp bed on the floor and soon both fell asleep.
As I lay with my daughter next to me I thought once again how lucky I am to have such a beautiful, amazing little girl. I love her so much. Yes sometimes I wish she would sleep through the night and yes I get incredibly frustrated when she is crying at night and I can't get her to stop, but I treasure the moments I get to hold her.
She is still so small, so delicate, so dependant on me for her survival. I pray that she will grow to be big, strong and healthy. There will be a day all too soon when she no longer needs me the way she does right now. That is good, and right, and the way things should be. When the day comes I will continue to be grateful that I am so lucky to have her, although I know I will miss the closeness we now share.
The thought of losing her is too much to focus on. The strength of women who have lost their babies is amazing. Whether they lost them during pregnancy, at birth or after spending precious time with them. I can only begin to imagine the pain they feel. Feelings I have only felt in a comparatively minor way when I have feared for the survival of my baby. Those mothers are amazing and wonderful and strong. They learn to carry on their lives because that's what a mother does, whether there child lives or not, but I can't imagine that pain ever goes away.
Yes sleeping through the night might be nice, but lying next to my beautiful daughter, hearing her breathe and seeing her chest rise and fall is an amazing gift. One that I treasure. As long as she is safe and well I will sacrifice sleep, I will sacrifice anything and I will be thankful.
read her moving post here). My heart goes out to her and anyone else who has ever lost their child.