Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Can I tell you a secret?

I’ve been avoiding blogging for the last few weeks for 2 reasons:
Firstly, because everything has been going fantastically well.  I’m not religious, so I don’t have Catholic guilt, but I still found it hard to accept that everything would keep going so wonderfully well.
The other reason is because so much of what I have to be excited about has been a bit of a secret.

Today something bad happened.  It’s not huge in the grand scheme of things, and I should be ashamed being worried about it compared to what other people have to go through (the unfortunate residents of Queensland currently spring to mind), but since when does the rest of the world matter?   A lot of the time I am selfish.  It doesn’t matter that compared to many my life is amazing, I still get stressed and sad when I have problems in my life.

So what has happened?
I have a new job.  Yay!  This is great.  It’s only on an interim basis currently, but it has the potential to be fantastic.  I reckon I have about a month left to do some amazing stuff and persuade them to make the job permanent.

My secret.  I’m pregnant.  This is hugely exciting and I am only sharing this on the basis that no one is reading this blog at the moment.  It’s still very early days.  Last week I thought I had lost it, but now I think it’s still ok.  It’s still scary days. 

Whilst I am really happy to be pregnant, and we were trying so it’s not unexpected, there are 3 things I am worried about:
-the whole baby thing (will it survive, how will we afford it, just how badly can I screw up a child’s life)
-My job.  As soon as work finds out that I’m pregnant judging my ability to do the job is going to become more complicated.   I know that legally they can’t treat me unfairly, but knowing that I am going to be off work in the near future will influence their thinking, even if they aren’t aware of it.
-Where am I going to live?  We rent, and our current tenancy runs out this week.  I don’t want to move.  Our landlord is considering selling and offered us a 6 month extension.  So either we move now (when I have no energy), in 6 months (when I’ll hopefully be very pregnant), or just after the baby is (hopefully) born based on the 2 months notice required.  I’m not keen on any of these options.

Unfortunately I can’t talk to my friends about any of this, largely because my closest friends are at work and I can’t risk the news getting out.  I’m rubbish at keeping secrets and I hate not being able to talk to my friends.  So for now it looks like here is all I have.